October 31, 2023
I feel a bit like the last rose of summer. My petals are dropping, the color is beginning to fade, and one hopes the rose bushes in the garden will survive another winter.
How’s that for being dramatic? I remind myself I am an enneagram 4, The Individualist, and we 4s tend to be expressive, self-absorbed, temperamental and yes, dramatic. Sigh!
I am in a sort of sulking mood —also typical of 4s.
I slept well, but don’t feel rested.
I don’t feel like reading. That is never the case for me, so what is going on? Sunday night instead of reading in the evening I watched an old episode of British Baking Show, one I had seen before, of course, and I even remembered who would be named Star Baker that week.
I don’t feel like writing. Not even this blog post. I recently submitted an essay to an online newsletter that has published my essays two previous times, but this time the response was “thanks, but no thanks.” Actually, the editor kindly made suggestions and offered some questions to consider. When I have licked my wounds, I will sit with what she said, but not today.
The week ahead is dotted with some lovely events, including attendance at a concert and a play. Plus, we are taking our grandson to a football game at St Olaf College, our alma mater. (No ulterior motives, of course.) As always, I treasure the weekly time with the church writing group I facilitate and also the scheduled appointments with spiritual direction clients.
The TO DO list for the week is manageable, but I don’t feel like doing any of the tasks. I did throw a load of laundry in the washer, however, so that’s something.
I am not depressed, but I am also not motivated.
I am not focused, but I don’t feel scattered.
I am not bored, but I am not engaged.
I am not discontented, but also not content.
I have always loved this time of the year not just for the beauty of the falling leaves and the crispness of the days, but also as a reminder that cave time is coming. A time that has always felt more spacious and more reflective than the expected busy activity of spring and summer. This year, however, I seem to be approaching the coming months with some anxious wonder. What losses will there be in the coming months? What unknown changes, uncontrollable changes? How will I be confronted with my own aging process?
I am not scared, but I am not in denial.
I am not hungry, but I am yearning.
I am not lost, but I am wandering.
I am not complacent, but I am accepting, and I am willing to accept what I am experiencing and feeling today.
Today more leaves will fall. In fact, as we drove home from church on Sunday we noticed that the ginkgo trees have shed their leaves. They let go all at once.
In Praying Our Goodbyes, Joyce Rupp reminds me:
It is a season to hold the trees close, to stand with them in our grieving. It is time to open my inner being to the misty truths of my own goodbyes. Autumn comes. It always does. Goodbye comes. It always does. The trees struggle with this truth today and in my deepest being, so do I.
So what am I going to do about this mood I am in? Not much. I am not going to judge myself, berate myself or try to fake a different mood. Instead, I intend to honor this present mood with respect, knowing eventually it will lift. It will lead me out of this corner into a new place.
After all, a new day and a new mood comes. It always does.
An Invitation
What is your Autumn mood? I would love to know.
Living on Life's Labyrinth 
Morning snow made me smile. Autumn has one foot in the past. Moving on. Moving furniture. Getting out my favorite soup receipes. Moving on to my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving! Moving on to my 80th Birthday Party. Happily. Finally, moving on to my anticipated train trip to Portland for the Holidays with my sons. Returning to the end of 2023 and on to 2024. It will be a great year watching my 2 granddaughters marry and start the beginning of their journey, sharing their lives with 2 wonderful young men. The circle of life.
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Wow–lots of movement in your life. Blessings on each step.
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Hi Nan,
As my HS English teacher reminded us, these days are the thin times, when the boundary between our corporeal world and the spirit world is very thin. I feel especially close to my parents and aunt who have passed, and can see them smiling encouragement to me.
Thanks for your words. We had the snow last Wednesday-Friday, and now expect temps in the low 40s. Guess it will melt away! The mountains are lovely and my spirit is lifted when I look at them.
Love you.
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And I love you, too. And yes, the thin places, which I think we may become more aware of as we age. Fall into Winter Blessings,
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It sounds like you have the “autumns.” I get them every year. While I love the color of the fall and the hint of “the cave,” as you say, there’s something about autumn that suggest closure even more so than the end of the year, at least for me. Time passing. New school years starting. No more children to take trick-or-treating, if that even exists in some places anymore. At these moments, I try to practice gentleness with myself, to just be, knowing, again as you said, that these periods are like waves that will recede on the beach, coming and going. Autumn blessings to you!
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Thank you so much for the term “the autumns.” I have not experienced them before, but at this stage of life, experiencing this new shade makes sense. Thanks for your thoughtful, helpful comments.
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Today I’m in a holding pattern…still waiting to hear if the teachers will indeed strike on Wednesday. I have not prepared a thing for this week’s books, not knowing what will happen, and so I feel discombobulated as for my usually scheduled time. My husband has been ill for a few days and stayed home, mostly in bed, so the usual routine around here is “off.” And, as I wrote in my blog this morning, the temperatures are dropping and the cold-weather clothing is coming out, a time I really dislike, but I need to shake that feeling because we have months of cold weather ahead.
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For those of us who like and depend on routine, days out of synch are difficult. May all be well.
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Be kind to yourself, and thank you for writing from the valley…we need messages from the valleys as well as from the mountaintops–so much of social media tends to be all joy and perfection and that is not real.
A friend posted this about the fall season and I have found it helpful, “The trees are about to show just how lovely it is to let things go.”
When I have a hard day, I keep my expectations of myself quite low and in the morning identify three things as I look ahead to the day: 1. One thing to be thankful for. 2. One thing to let go of. 3. One thing to focus on. That’s it.
Wishing you well and may you feel loved.
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I like your list of 3. I do, indeed, feel loved. Beloved.
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Honor the place your spirit is in. There is a time for everything, every mood, every feeling. Without sadness, joy wouldn’t have the same meaning and impact. Be kind to yourself and count your blessings. God Bless.
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Thanks for your caring words. All is well.
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I don’t necessarily want to have my comment posted on your blog. I just want to say that despite your odd and out-of-sorts mood, this is one of the best postings I’ve read by you. I could so relate! So it was good for something! 🙂 I’m usually very active with a constant and never-diminishing to-do list – mostly with things I’m looking forward to, and happy doing. Sometimes I’m too busy – as in wanting and looking forward to a day w/no set plan or a need to leave the house. I’m content puttering, or starting or working on some house project or town project or gardening or working on the family tree. But sometimes, yes, I feel exactly as you describe – rudderless, pointless, at sixes and sevens, as the Brits say. And when I feel that way, I know from enough experience that it won’t last too long. I give in to it and do whatever makes the most sense in that moment, in that mood. It’s doing something mindless, like playing scrabble online, or watching one of the tv shows I enjoy – Annika, or Marvelous Mrs. Maisel – and when I get too tired, or feel too guilty about wasting [?] my precious time, I fall asleep or get something to eat or finally do something “productive”. Overall, though, I think it must be our psyches telling us to stop and decompress. Smell the roses. Feel the rain. Breathe. Then back to business as usual, with hopefully renewed spirit. Thank you for sharing this special post. 🙂 Carole in PA
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I hope you don’t mind that I posted your comment. There is so much wisdom here that needs to be shared, and I am grateful. Thanks you!
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My original message sent yesterday seems to have fallen out of the e-mail so this is another try to let you know, Nan, that I love your Monday morning mood, expressed so sensitively and with such equanimity. It’s good that you know how to pace yourself. May God bless you and grant you good health always.
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I am so glad you tried again–and here it is. Thank you for your caring words.
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I get in these funky moods every so often, too. You are wise for not trying to push these feelings away. Acknowlege them and know that this will pass. Be extra gentle and kind to yourself, maybe taking a warm, soaking bath, do some gentle stretches, order take-out if you don’t feel like cooking, mindlessly watch a light TV show or movie. {{hugs}}
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Some great ideas. Thanks!
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